a semi-collected hodgepodge of noncanonical adventures
The Ups and Downs of Skeeter Kitefly
Skeeter Kitefly's Sugardaddy Confessor
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Skeeter Kitefly's
Titular Assets
COMPACTIFICATION
behind the scenes
RoBynne O'Ring's
GRUNTS OF
PASSION
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Last Updated
March 21, 2010
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First in a new series of Skeeterlogues and
other sketchy vignettes:
Ms. Kitefly holds forth on boobs, buns, and coming to terms with both.
...Say it was elbows instead: a respectable Nice Girl would have to keep hers covered up except at homecoming dances and the like, where she could only put the curve of her funnybones on display. And even then I suppose you slobbermouths would all the time be trying to peek up our sleeves and fumbling with cuffbuttons and organizing wet-elbow contests...
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"Titular Assets"
as it appeared in Ten Thousand Monkeys
Teetotal
Second in the "Titular Assets" series:
Skeeter and RoBynne O'Ring check out the new staff exercise room (formerly
the staff smoking lounge).
...We changed into our little workout outfits—I brought my hot pink ONLY VISITING THIS PLANET T-shirt (I’d’ve worn that silk SORRY, I’M TAKEN top if you hadn’t gone on and on about how “expensive” it was) and my spandex hotpants even though they didn’t quite match, being more of a bubblegummy shade… What? Hey! It matters a lot whether they match. Oh shut up—you just don’t know what the word “ensemble” means. (Or “expensive” either, but we’ll go into that another time...)
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"Teetotal"
as it appeared in Ten Thousand Monkeys
Breakfast of Runners-Up
Third in the "Titular Assets" series:
Skeeter (the Gropable Gourmet) demonstrates how to make her
Paris-When-It-Sizzles 3-in-1 special.
...This has
got to be the unhappiest-looking icebox I've ever stuck my head into.
Think how vacant and frustrated it must feel, when by rights it ought to be
crammed to its little lightbulb with wholesome nourishment. Anything
down here in the crisper?... HEY!! Quit groping, you turk!
Never, never paw a master chef when she's rummaging inside your
refrigerator, unless you've been explicitly invited!...
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"Breakfast of Runners-Up"
as it appeared in Ten Thousand Monkeys
Verisillymissitude
Fourth in the "Titular Assets" series:
Skeeter provides running (hopping, skipping, jumping) commentary on a
vintage Eighties romantic movie.
…Are we supposed to believe that Michael Douglas found the one crocodile out of all the alligators swimming around South America and wrestled it to a standstill and turned it inside out and into those fancy boots he’s wearing and extracted that big honking emerald and lived long enough to sell it to somebody and buy himself that sailboat and cart it up to the middle of Manhattan and park it outside Joanie’s door?
Well that’s just silly…
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"Verisillymissitude"
as it appeared in Ten Thousand Monkeys
Head for High Hog Heaven
Fifth in the "Titular Assets" series:
Ms. Kitefly's theophilowhatsical
speculations on the nature of foreplay in the afterlife.
…Oh listen to this:
“For
your first Love Gift of $25 or more, we will
send you a JLM Show Starter Charm Bracelet. Each further
Love Gift will earn you an additional Blessing Bangle, signifying an event
in the life of your personal savior. Collect all twelve while supplies
last.”
Why do I get the idea that Baby Jesus burst into tears just now?…
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"Head for High Hog Heaven"
Bursting Unmentionabubbles
Sixth in the "Titular Assets" series:
During a weekend in Vegas, Skeeter and
RoBynne are forced to participate in the Miracle of Life.
…I
got to throw the dice next, but for some reason they both bounced right off
the table, and the comical joker holding the stick sang out: “Oh no
where’d they go? Oh shit they’re in the pit!” and everybody laughed, so
I bounced my little pumpkins at them and then they all cheered, except I
suppose for the jealous casino-hoes…
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"Bursting Unmentionabubbles"
as it appeared in
Ten Thousand Monkeys
Flagrant Foul
Seventh in the "Titular Assets" series:
The
15-year-old Kelly Rebecca is ushered into womanhood by J.V.
basketbrawler Punchy Frid.
…High on a hill in an Eldorado, late one summer in the Derelict Days of '74,
little Kelly Rebecca awaited her passage into conjugal womanhood. Her
heart was filled with romance, her lungs with demonweed, her stomach with
partly-digested popcorn (she and Frid having one to see Their Movie,
Blazing Saddles, for the third time)—her ears with Roberta Flack on the
Caddy stereo, and her haltertop with nothing at all as it dangled from the
Caddy gearshift knob…
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"Flagrant Foul"
as it appeared in
Ten Thousand Monkeys
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