|Really Weird Dreams
For many nights afterward she would have a dream, this
really weird dream of going to bed and almost to sleep before
the bed rolled forward like a dresser drawer being opened, and
a goddam spotlight came shining right in her eyes which
wouldn’t close or even blink---and there were her folks,
staring down at her from either side, all aghast.
Jeez quit it she’d try to say, you’re acting as though I’m
But this particular morning she was alive and awake and in
pain, banging on Charles Wallace’s door just as that Littlest
Conehead was rinsing off and toweling dry his bumpety scalp.
He opened up, took one look and drew her in; attended to
her outer wounds and contusions with practiced skill, keeping
his Cheshire smile fixed tight despite the occasional
lachrymose sniff. How could anybody, no matter how brutal or
fiendish, do such-a-whatever to anyone as small and cute and
frolicsome as Skeeter Kitefly?
No answer to offer.
Absolutely incomprehensible that one side of her comical
doll-like face should be mottled the color of eggplant.
She shied at going upstairs to her own apartment, so
Charles let her spend the day and following night at his
place. He had to go to work but called a swingshift-bouncer
friend named Bevan to come play bodyguard, leaving Skeeter
bandaged and compressed and applying a porkchop to her eye in
lieu of steak.
It’d come to this, had it?
So much for Wilbur and Napoleon and Miss Piggy...
She tried to rest, to catch some Zs, lulled by the
other-room mumble of Bevan’s TV gameshows; but caught instead
the first of those really weird dreams with the drawer, the
light, her folks acting as though she were DEAD---
Must not be an act ‘cause look, here she was, back in
Marble Orchard alongside Grampa and Gramma and Cousin Mickey
Hungerford, who’d bought the farm in Cambodia, and William the
guinea pig in his shoebox underneath the crab apple
trees---and by golly! Great-Great-Aunt Claudia Wunderlich!
Gone these twenty years, yet hanging on as the family’s
perpetual star mourner. Umm umm umm...
Skeeter was trying to dig her way out of Rosewood Cemetery
when Charles got home and peeked in and woke her hastily up.
Scolding her about making sudden movements; you never could
tell with head injuries. He had Bevan bring her a cup of
steaming hot chocolate, regardless of the summer afternoon;
added a jigger of orange Curaçao (“good for what ails you ha
ha ha”) and made Skeeter drink it down every drop while she
goggled bloodshottily at him, at them, her two protectors, her
fogbound brain going Wally and the Beave---Wally and the
How COULD anybody lift a hand against Skeeter Kitefly?
Be annoyed at, certainly. Jealous of, to be sure. But
blacken and bluefy? No way. Unreal. As a child she’d never
once been spanked, though her mother had threatened it often
Of course there’d always been Mercedes, exercising her
big-sisterly right to deal out the occasional pummeling, being
the older and larger and quicker to anger. Natural to a
natural redhead: her sudden rages succeeded by bouts of eager
affection, and vice versa.
Second door on the left—Sadie’s old bedroom, the one
Skeeter’d waited an entire fruitless decade to take over and
move into. Half the time it had been accessible, its occupant
bidding little siblings welcome, sharing juice-details after
heavy dates. Giving the admiring young Skeeter her first
practical lessons in makeup, menses, and manhandling.
But then would come Quite Contrariwise, again and again:
Sadie placing her room off limits to “shrimps and squirts,”
etc. Pulling her Pippi Longstocking routine, as though Sadie
were the strongest girl in all the world and Skeeter her Mr.
In her dreams! Flout that ultimatum! Slip on your slyboots,
your showercap, your borrowed wig over that, and tiptoe into
the forbidden room at the ungodliest-possible hour. Shake Big
“I think I’m losing my hair!—here, look—” Yank off wig,
stuff it in her hand, thrust showercapped baldpate in Big
Sissy’s AWKing face, and scram while she tangles up in sheets
and snarls, tripping on the stripped-off bedclothes,
Don’t. Please. Give it to me.
Skeeter could get away with things, pranks and tomfoolery
and monkeyshines (nyaah to you, Mr. Nilsson) but Sadie could
get away period. Flip her lid, fly the coop, run off to Aspen
or Lisbon or Melbourne or---where the hell?---oh right,
Rassiere Bay. Of course. Rassiere Bay, that’s the ticket: get
up, get dressed and out of here, now; get a ticket on the
first available rush-and-roarer, plane train or automobile, to
Rassiere Bay! Get a move on, get the lead out, get your butt
in gear, Wally and the Beave would help---
“Wally,” for his vexed part, tried to keep a level conehead
and simmer Skeeter down, convince her it was the Curaçao
He ended up doing most of the work to see her off. Packing
bags, adopting plants, discharging utilities, concocting a
plausible argument why Skeeter wouldn’t be returning to work
but still deserved a good reference. Out of this he got his
choice of Skeeter’s weightier furniture, and first bid on
Elmer the huh-huh-huh-ing Fudd Ford.
“I guess Elmer and I were meant for each other ha ha ha,”
said Charles. “Now remember,” he told Skeeter at the bus
station, “it doesn’t matter where your body happens to be, or
whether your brain’s still in its pan, so long as your heart
keeps beating. So have a little courage, and take this little
bottle of yummy stuff---in case of snakebite, you know.”
She left him sitting on a gate, waving a handkerchief after
her, his bulging brow agleam in the sunset. By the Great
Greyhound she resolved to keep in touch with Charles forever;
but even as the bus hunkered down to a four-hour evening
journey that stretched into a six-hour night trek--- even
then, Skeeter could guess that things would turn out
She copped a window seat and tried to rest her sore temple
on the window’s not-very-coolness (or cleanness) but jolt bump
shake, jerk back awake, again and again. Jerk Alert, in fact:
sleazy-geezer moving in.
Hey li’l lady yuh sure are purty---
Turn gauzy compressed mottle towards him. Produce a Grand
Guignol grimace. Choke geezer off.
Back to the growing darkness. Try to get some shuteye---no,
rephrase that, try to catch forty winks---no, leave the winks
with the sleazy-geezers. Simply try to rest. Make it to the
next stop. Snarf another hidden dose of snakebite remedy,
enough to help you sleep. Drain the bottle if necessary; turn
it into a dead soldier. Like Grampa’d called his empty
Jeez quit it (jolt bump shake) you’re acting as though I’m
AWAKE owwwwwww, fuh---crying out loud! Just what she needed:
another blow to the face. For a woozy moment she wondered if
she’d actually shattered the bus window, or popped it out
altogether like the lens gone missing from her broken glasses.
Put back on what’s left and check. No, there it still was,
blurrily mirroring the Monocled Avenger.
Who felt more like Scarlett O’Hara, escaping from the
burning of Atlanta only to find Tara disemboweled...
Well not quite.
Don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore, though.
Altered states through the Great Greyhound Looking-Glass.
Say hello out there, somewhere in the pitchy dark, to flour
mills and dairy farms, butteries and cheesemongers. The Land
of Milk and Cookies.
Get out and change buses, make the correct connection. Not
that one, heading back the way she’d come. Nor that one, going
to Oeil de Boeuf, though she’d sent many boxtops there to get
loot from the Oxeye Biscuit Company—a place Skeeter’d always
been meaning to visit, along with Belgium and Bangkok and Van
Nuys Boulevard. No, tonight she was otherwhere bound, and the
rest of the planet would have to wait its turn, turn, turn...
* * * * *
...3 AM by a great grey lake. A Great Greyhound Lake. A
busily grizzly pooch of a lake. So mother-goosey
doctor-seussey, Horton hears The Who; meaty beaty big and
bouncy, the dish ran away with the stew. (No wonder you didn’t
have any dinner. If you didn’t. Vague memory of a pork chop
back there somewhere.)
So this was Rassiere Bay: the Cap on the Pap, and things
like that. You did not come here on a boat, you did not come
here with a goat; you do have to deal with luggage retrieval,
partaking of potty, dialing of phone.
Sadie AWK’d just like old times.
Bossy as ever, demanding to know exactly what had happened
and when and where and to whom it’d been reported and inasmuch
Mugged. Yeah, mugged by a stranger. Poke stolen, ears
boxed, general jitters. Needing a change of scene. Of course
she’d seen a doctor; of course she’d notified the police; no
she hadn’t told Carrie and Arnold, yet; and yes, she could
have called before busing two hundred miles alone at night,
but that would have involved forethought.
"Sadie,” she added, “can you come get me? I’m tired...”
Which was so unheard-of a thing for Skeeter Kitefly to be
that Sadie AWK’d no more but raced right over and picked her
up, almost literally, in her long familiar freckly arms.
So Madgirl and Madwoman were together again, augmented by
Madbaby Desirée aged two-and-a-half, who was Roo-excited at
being allowed out of bed way the hell past midnight, and
anxious to introduce her auntie to her horsies Rover, Fido,
and Spot. These lived on sunflower seeds in a cage in the
kitchenette and strongly resembled gerbils, but they did
gallop on their exercise wheel when not asleep in a communal
What a good idea. Skeeter followed suit that first night,
sharing Sadie’s bed with residual ow!-quit-kicking contention;
and Desi squeezed in as well, asking whether Skeeter’d ever
ridden a big horse? and if so had she ever fallen off? and had
she been hurt and if so how much and had she been scared and
if so how badly and---
“Go to sleep, Desirée,” said her mother, unable to hear
herself think how improvisational this mugging-by-a-stranger
story sounded. Ears boxed, certainly; jitters, to be sure; but
poke stolen? That saddlebag on the bureau looked awfully
recognizable and not “just another one just like the other
Aloud, Sadie hoped the mugger would be caught and have his
malefactory ass prosecuted to the law’s full extent. Think how
many other women he might have already victimized; how many
more, should he remain at large---
“I’ll think about that tomorrow,” said Skeeter, slipping
off to really weird dreamworld: Jeez quit it...
* * * * *
On Sadie’s insistence, she went to a women’s clinic to have
her bruises checked out. But in comparison to the raped and
molested, and elderlies suffering from the killer summer’s
heat, Skeeter felt she was there on pretty small-potato
pretenses. So too seemed to feel the harried MD or RN
(somebody in a white labcoat, anyway) who examined her, and
tried to act empathetic but fell rather short.
“What’d they say?” demanded Sadie in the waiting room.
“Told me to eat more yogurt. And maybe take piano lessons.”
“Piano lessons! In this weather? Aren’t they going to
prescribe you anything?” And Sadie would have given the clinic
a piece of her coppertopped mind had Skeeter not dragged her
away, spluttering that you might as well go to a medieval
barber and get yourself bled.
What a good idea Part Two. Skeeter stopped by a budget
salon and had her peachy fuzzy opulence of blonditude chopped
off, cropped short as it hadn’t been since her earliest days.
Sadie took one look at her suddenly shrunken head and burst
Oh the vandalism!
Too hot to keep your hair on.
It shook Sadie up no end. She would creep into the
kitchenette late at night to peer at Skeeter on her cot with
her icepack sombrero, sleeping solo except for Timmy the
ancient half-stuffed horse. Plus Rover, Fido, and Spot,
galloping on their squeaky wheel to nowhere.
Skeeter could watch them do this by the hour. She often
did, when insomnia set in.
Far more raison to a gerbil’s d’être than, say, a guinea
Where her own ranked in the Great Scheme of Things was
anyone’s guess. Hardly any savings to speak of; no income
coming in; no college degree; job prospects existential.
Sadie communicated privately with their mystified folks,
saying Not to worry---leave her to me---can you lend us some
bread? Which Carrie and Arnold did, calling it Skeeter’s
birthday present, she opportunely turning twenty-one in July.
As for employment, there was Sadie and Gwendolyn’s daycare
center out on Soutien Lane. They couldn’t afford to pay but
had plenty to occupy an extra pair of hands; Skeeter’s being
idle, she took them to the devil’s playground.
Her eye and face healed sooner than expected and more or
less unmarked, regaining a modicum of their respective
brightness and freshness. But not their vitality, their
unreflecting audacity; that merry-go-round had broken down.
And she had always been such a classic happy camper.
Better than well-adjusted. Cheerful as you please.
Basically unfazable. Able to get along with even the
totalbitchiest of snippy-drips, because---hey!---she was
Skeeter Kitefly the One and Only, and the rest of the world
but an oyster on her half-shell.
Now she belonged to the Ordinary People: lame, feckless,
and lacking Robert Redford to direct her.
She loved Sadie, but would never cease to bridle at her
Longstocking’d bossy nova. She adored Desirée, but at
two-and-a-half Desi didn’t quite qualify for mentorhood. She
liked Gwendolyn, but come on---how seriously could you take
anyone originally introduced to you as “Winky”?
Who else? Her folks were far away, and even up close could
scarcely be conversed with on any kind of revelatory level.
Uncle Buddy-Buzz was in British Columbia for the summer, and
would probably agree that she should take up piano lessons.
Charles Wallace and her other just-as-distant friends would be
too remote, by and by, even for memory.
What else, then? Could there be anything to the occult?
Astrology, say: she was a Leo, loyal and honest and generous
and romantic. (Right.) Consult a few horoscopes: focus on
insights guard against tendencies be aware act accordingly ...
What about biorhythms? Calculate her peaks and troughs:
twenty-one years old, plus three weeks, plus two days—add that
up, let’s see, 21 times 365, don’t forget Leap Years, carry
the seven, then divide ... hell. Math had never been her
Consult a palmreader? A phrenologist? An oversized
eightball? Reply hazy, ask again later. Like hell.
Sneak a peek at Sadie’s Tarot cards, despite the likelihood
of getting your block knocked off for messing with them. Sadie
would insist on doing a proper reading with all the gypsy
trappings; let’s just take a random glance...
The Page of Wands: a Hamlet or Romeo-type, gazing soulfully
at the top of his walking stick. The Four of Cups: a guy
sitting under a tree, with a disembodied hand offering him a
drink; very Omar Khayyámmy. The Five of Pentacles: a
stained-glass window with a couple of beggars beneath it,
outside in the snow. The Eight of Swords: yuggh! a woman tied
up and blindfolded with a bunch of blades stuck in the ground
around her. The Wheel of Fortune: gameshow time again. What
next, Concentration or Jeopardy?
Oh GROHsss! The Hanged Man!---and hanging upside down too,
with his hair on fire or something.
Well forget this! Nothing but a pack of cards, after all.
Might as well get a regular deck and play goddam solitaire.
Squat on the cot in your crimson underwear and deal deal deal
‘em out out out on the kitchen table. Chainscarf caramel
brownies all the while from Gramma’s heirloom legacy, the
octagonal canister with “America the Beautiful” lyrics on its
eight sides. Toss crumbs to Rover, Fido, and Spot: God shed
some grace on thee. And me.
Brownies. She’d been one herself, back in Marble Orchard.
Had grossed out an entire bake sale by speculating whether
their brownies were in fact the remnants of troopers lost in
Hee hee! Bacchanalian days! When she’d ad-libbed whole
routines about the Tooth Brownie, who didn’t bother waiting
till kids put their teeth under pillows to haul them away
[demonstrate, with sound effects]. Or the Brownie Brownout,
which was something like a cookout but a lot less stomachable.
Or singing “Brown brown brown is the color of my Dating Game
Bachelor Number One’s hair”---meaning Jeff Scolley, of course,
the first boy she’d ever pounced on. And herself leading the
other girls in a wicked chorus of:
Skeeter ‘n’ Scolley, sittin’ in a tree,
Making out like chimpanzees...
But that was then and this was now and things had gotten
really weird. A never-ending junkfood chainscarf. Once-trim
waistline pooching out over panties-band; thighs gradually
rising, doughlike, to meet it. She would end up looking like
Gertrude Stein and have to dine on Alice B. Toklas brownies.
(What a good idea Part Three.) Might as well scrap her petite
crimsons and scarlets and fire-engine-reds; order up those
white cotton size-forty boxer shorts without delay.
No: have to put that off till later, along with the
brownies and the surviving ice cream and what was left in Mr.
Potato Chip Bag. Time to get off your plumpening rump, get it
dressed and in gear and down to Soutien Lane for the changing
of the guard.
Another evening of another day; sit and watch the children
play. Jubilant exuberance, skyrocket-high spirits, smiling
faces all aglow.
Doing things that Skeeter Kitefly used to do, before the
© 2002 P. S. Ehrlich
P. S. Ehrlich is the author-in-progress of the Skeeter
Kitefly books and http://www.skeeterkitefly.com/
website. Other Skeeter selections have appeared in Wilmington
Blues, The Sidewalk's End, Cherry Bleeds, and Ten Thousand
Monkeys; and are forthcoming in The Shadowshow, Unlikely
Stories, and Lynx Eye. P. S. Ehrlich himself is employed by
the University of Washington (not necessarily as an
instructor) and lives outside Seattle.